Self-Esteem
Scott Randall Lindberg Feb 2012
I heard myself say one night, “I have no self-esteem“. Well, as I was able to learn more about myself, others and about “self-love” I realized that this statement was not true at all.
Do you feel as if you suffer from low self-worth? Did someone say to you, when you were a child, that you were not worthy or that you were “less than”? It’s so sad but I think that most of us were trained or conditioned as little children to respond to reward and punishment. We were taught that if we were good we would be rewarded and if we were bad we would be punished. Soon, we feared that we would not be rewarded or would be punished. Everything we did or thought was judged by a system of societal or religious rules. So we were led to believe that our value was measured by performance. We were rewarded for being over-achievers and punished if we did not measure up to certain standards. We felt good when our teachers said that we were smart and we over-worked ourselves to maintain that feeling. Afraid to make even one mistake or feeling “less than” if we failed a test. Even in sports we were strongly encouraged to compete and made to feel “bad” if we lost the game or couldn’t hit the ball. We began to judge ourselves and others accordingly. Our self-esteem suffered. Our innate knowledge that we were an imaginative, innocent, precious, loving, giving human being was slowly being smothered. We became who they wanted us to be – not who we truly were. Thus, we lost our true sense of self. We measured our worth by our test scores, how attractive we were and how far we could hit a baseball.
The commercial media convinced us we were wrong or somehow “bad” if we didn’t purchase certain items. They told us we would be a success if we bought their product or a failure if we didn’t. Creativity was discouraged for if we used our imagination we would simply use products that we already owned or even invent ones that were better! We were told that in order to be romantic and find love we must buy this new hair color or cologne, drink a certain soda or use a particular makeup product. If we didn’t we would be unacceptable, a cast out, or the odd ball.
The reward/punishment philosophy of our upbringing supported all of this and soon we felt ashamed and empty. Or we felt elated by our success yet ever fearful that someone would “find us out” and see that we were not perfect. We lost our imagination, our spiritual abilities and our enjoyment of life. We forgot how to be spontaneous and intuitive. We became guarded and judgmental. We were told not to daydream, not to be different. Little boys were not to play with dolls and little girls were not to roughhouse. We were to keep our feelings hidden, never cry or make a scene. So to be accepted and “get along” we lied, hiding our true selves and thus wounding our self-esteem. Some would even resort to isolation, drugs, sex or overeating to ease the sadness and hurt. Some behaviors even led us to the point of self-destruction.
I always felt like I didn’t fit in. Everyone else seemed to know the plan and read the instruction manual, “How to Succeed and Enjoy Life on Earth”. Why didn’t I get a copy? I knew something was very wrong but I couldn’t understand what or why I felt so sad. Weren’t we created to just be and enjoy what we already possess? Down deep inside myself I felt lost and ashamed. Peace of mind was elusive. I would awake in the morning and feel a sense of dread. Why couldn’t I feel just a little bit of good anticipation of what the morning may bring? I didn’t just jump out of bed and rejoice. Sometimes, I felt like covering my head sleeping for as long as I could. So, I sought help through a twelve step program and professional counseling. My counselor told me that I did have self-esteem! Much more than I thought! I was to observe myself from the time I woke up and see, in the very little things, how my self-esteem was reflected back to me.
The next day when I woke up, I slowly padded to the bathroom and of course I had to relieve my body of excess waste. Then I washed my face, combed my hair and brushed my teeth. Why did I do all this? I did have a choice. Then I realized that I do care about my body and what others think about me! I want to be neat and clean. It makes me feel good. Wow…I then started to accept the idea that I was demonstrating some self love and self respect. This seemed like a very small thing yet it started to awaken within me a sense of how I do value myself. I really do care about my appearance and am proud of the way I look. When I am hungry, I eat. When I am thirsty, I drink. Why? Because I know my body requires these simple actions in order to be healthy. It is my instinct for self-preservation. Yet when I make a conscience choice to treat my body to these simple pleasures I am making decisions that make me feel good. And I like myself for doing them. Someone said, “Treat yourself as an honored guest in your own home,” and with that in mind, I decided to observe how I was treating myself. To determine if I actually had some self respect.
Now, as I go into the family room and then into the kitchen, I encounter my first contact with the “earthlings” in my house. Oh shoot! Do I have to say good morning? Well some days that’s not so hard and I just do it. But today it took a little more effort. Let’s consider now what just happened. I have gotten out of myself and I am considering the feelings of others. OK, that was a kind gesture. Now I think I’m getting the idea. I am displaying to another my concern and validating their worth by wishing them a “Good Morning. And as I give, I get. I may even smile! Hey, what a concept! I know that a smile has been proven to produce endorphins. As my brain starts to release these chemicals I get a sense of well-being, health and even happiness. So every time I smile I am saying to myself, “Hey, I deserve to feel good!” I can, with a simple smile, contribute to the “well-being” of another person. These kinds of simple things, really inherent gifts, are ours for the using. Now as I smile, I realize it affects everyone in my home or even in the workplace or community. Now my awareness is growing and I am actually contributing to a greater cause. How does that make me feel? Needed, sort of. Surly, “a part of”.
Now, I’m not so depressed and I decide to go to the mail box and get the mail. There are letters for me and others, too. Seems like such a little thing but I decide to bring in all the mail, not just my own. Oops, now I’m doing that “caring for others” thing again. As I walk back to the door I notice some roses. I don’t think, “God I wish I could just cut them all down and ground then into the ground!” No, I may be passive yet I have noticed them without contempt. I may even be aware of their beauty. And on a very good day I may even smell them. I have dogs that need to go out. I must think outside of my own wants and help another creature. So I volunteer to walk them. I am now learning patience and tolerance for one who sees life very differently. They teach me how to be in the moment and to enjoy nature. Now I am teachable. That must be a good personality trait. As I look up, I see the blue sky I don’t wish for a storm. And if it’s sunny and warm I probably would just see it the way it is. I may not have a grand appreciation about it but I certainly don’t wish it would rain. That thought, in and of itself, is an agreement to appreciate the gift God has given this day. Now I find I am grateful! Damn! What an idea! Now, I actually kind of like the feeling I have. Maybe I do have a little self-esteem after all. I may not be elated or want to sing and dance but I did see it and feel no loathing towards it. If I really think about it, in a strange way deep within myself, I am acknowledging that I am a part of something! I can contribute to this beautiful creation! In doing so, I start to nurture my soul. I care? Well yeah, I see that I really do…care! This is called self-esteem!!
My friend said;
I heard you share with others your sorrow, your insecurities and your pain. Why would you do that? I would suspect that you don’t want to hurt any more. That tells me that you think you deserve better. As you open up and share, I see that you trust another person. Now you are a trusting person! You are taking a risk because of your sense of self-worth. You want to be healthy and strong. And sharing, even though difficult, is just that. We call it sharing because it is giving. As you share your troubles, fears and even your nightmares, you invite others to display understanding, sympathy and compassion. Now you are cultivating compassion! Wow, how does that make you feel? You are compassionate!
We can actually demonstrate self-worth. Sometimes we don’t realize just how powerful it can be. We esteem our families by listening to them, by preparing a meal. Washing the dishes. Maybe we baby sit for our daughter or son. Maybe we take the kids to the park. In doing so, we receive affirmations of our value and worth to them thus to ourselves. Even if we do these things grudgingly, we do it any way. It is these times that are the most valuable the most precious. We do something for another even though we don’t want to. As a result, a feeling of “calm” may come over us and the next time it will be easier to do until we find that we actually enjoy it. To improve our self-esteem we are to do esteemable acts. Someone said, “Change your behavior and your thinking, your attitude, will change.”
When we drive we don’t wreck into cars on purpose. Of course not! We obey the laws because we don’t want to suffer the consequences. But what about when we let someone ahead of us in line? What about when someone slows down because they are lost and we don’t get angry? Congratulations you are showing integrity! We could just flip everyone the bird, but we don’t. I’m not saying that we never get angry on the road but if we had no self esteem, we would just be one great big accident waiting to happen. And of course, were not. Prayer brings self-esteem too.
Do you pray? I’ll bet you are praying all the time without realizing it. Say, you see someone in trouble or hurting very badly. Maybe they have a very sick loved one or they were injured in some way. You don’t say, “Oh, I hope it just gets worse”. No, usually our first response in these matters is sorrow concern and empathy. We hope things will get better. That hope is a beautiful heartfelt prayer, the true essence of prayer. We tell them that we are sorry for their loss or predicament and really have faith that they will endure and come into wholeness. We at times offer to help. This is another way in which we pray. We speak love into a situation, affirming the good we reach out. In doing so, we receive hope and empathy for ourselves. That’s just how it works.
Do you have faith? Just a little tiny bit? Of course you do. You sit in a chair and without much thought believe it will support you. If you are a die hard skeptic you may believe it would break and you would hit the floor. You would believe then that the floor would not give out. So you have faith in the floor. As you flip a light switch you believe that it will bring light. Do you have hope? Of course you do. When you make plans for a day at the beach you hope the good weather will prevail. You make lunch plans and you hope that your friend will be there.
Do you trust? Every time you speak you trust someone will listen. Even a stranger, in most situations, will listen to you. You trust your children when they tell you that they love you. All these virtues are motivated by your sense of self and your most evident inherent self esteem.
Do you have joy? What do you enjoy? Doesn’t it make you feel good to take a hot bath on a cold wintery night? We are joyful when we see our children and our grandchildren happy and well fed. Do you enjoy a good meal? There’s plenty of joy to go around and we don’t have to look very far to find it. Being “in joy” is a wonderful expression of our self-worth. Do you have a desire to learn? This desire comes from a longing to better ones self, a yearning to grow and prosper. This is a result of a direct sense of love for self. If we would only choose to look, we will see we are learning all the time. When I feel badly, I am learning what it’s like to feel. I increase my self-worth by being open to learning new things. Buy discarding old preconceived notions of judgment and opinion I take a risk to venture into uncharted territory. Some wise women said, “You have good days and you have learning days.” I am getting a sense of accomplishment as I learn new things. This boosts my morale and gives me feelings of being a “part of”, not separate and alone.
Even Now as I read this I hear that old familiar friend saying, “Yeah, right! You can’t do this! You are guilty of imperfection and you don’t deserve all these positive ideals. You can’t change. You have to suffer to make your life right.” The judge continues as he states, “You are angry when you drive. If every one else would just get it right you would not be so angry.” This really brings on feelings of sadness and sometimes shame. I realize that I won’t always love the sunshine. I won’t always be kind. Now I see I’m being honest and that, my friend, is a personality trait of one who has a whole bunch of self-esteem. Honesty! Then I remember it’s good to feel. All feelings are valid. Feelings are feelings, no good or bad ones. After such a day, I look in the mirror and think, wow! I do kind of like myself after all. Whoa, what a concept! I am beginning to see that I have a lot of self-love.
I believe that unforgiveness, guilt and shame are at the root of low self- esteem. When we are motivated by guilt and shame there is a need to be punished. When we punish ourselves, we feel somehow vindicated. Almost like we have done penance for our “sins”, our shortcomings and in some way evened the score. When we punish ourselves we de-value, slander and defeat ourselves with lies. When we judge ourselves we are always found guilty because by the judge’s standards we always fall short. We are stupid, “bad”, evil, “less-than”. There is no forgiveness in judgment. No absolution in finger-pointing. No freedom in opinion. We are the only creatures that punish ourselves over and over again for the same mistake. All the other animals make a mistake, correct and move on. When we let guilt and shame rule our minds we feel the need to punish ourselves over and over and over again. Even going back years to re-experience our feelings and again to “un-esteem” ourselves. When we ridicule ourselves we inflect wounds on our spirit. We damage our soul. But it is reversible. There is a cure. It is called…
FORGIVENESS
Forgiveness is the key that opens the door to healing and peace of mind. Say this affirmation: “Now I forgive myself for everything I have ever done in the past, in the present and in the future.” Say it daily. Say it until you believe it. Say it until it becomes part of your very being. You are already doing the things you need to do to make this true. “I forgive myself for hurting people. I forgive myself for letting myself be hurt. I forgive those that have hurt me, completely and perfectly. And when a resentment surfaces in your mind let it come, it is valid. It really happened. Without any emotional attachment you can thank it for the lesson it taught you and politely show it to the door. Forgive, forgive, and forgive! I’ll say it one more time… forgive! I forgive you and I forgive me, too. I now forgive every person, place and thing that has done me harm. Write it all down. Look at it without judgment or opinion, anger or shame. Let it go. If it comes to you again, feel it and let it go again. This is the true meaning of unconditional love and forgiveness. This is practicing very healthy self respect which builds strong self-esteem.
Love and forgiveness travel in a perfect circle. I forgive, I am forgiven. I’m forgiven I forgive. I love thus I am loved. I am loved thus do I love. I encourage so I am encouraged. I find courage, I share courage. I smile, I get a smile. I receive a smile, I give a smile. Someone speaks well of me I speak well of them. It circles back to me. When I feel peace inside it radiates peace to others and it comes back to me even stronger. Does a God of unconditional love forgive us? Personally, I believe He doesn’t need to because He already has!!! Because unconditional love is just that–permanent. Past, present and future. Perfect love that goes beyond deed or circumstance, opinion and judgment, before and after – always. From the beginning of time to the ends of the universe, God does not condemn us. Why do we? As we forgive something magical happens. We begin to love ourselves. We care for ourselves and take care of ourselves. Forgiveness goes before us and we love. As I practice forgiveness in all I think and all I do, all I perceive, I am set free!!! I find the joy of living.
So now I see I am faithful-full of faith. I am hopeful, compassionate, and caring. I am honest when I take a risk and trust someone with my secrets, when I share my true feelings without shame. Then I realize that I really do, most of the time, wish the best for others. That sounds like self-esteem to me! Someone said that our primary purpose in healing is to stop and look at how we have been trapped into believing we are victims and need to be punished. We must get to know ourselves as feeling persons and identify the defenses that prevent this discovery. After we identify these walls and obstacles we can let go of them and forgive ourselves and move into our intended place of spirit. Of awareness, acceptance and freedom. Yes, I am hopeful. I am…loving. I do care for my body. I do have compassion. I do have faith. As I forgive, I am set free!
~ “The freedom in a simple act of forgiveness saves us the expense of anger and the high cost of hatred. Forgiveness can buy peace of mind. Think of everything that has ever been directed at you for which you bear grudges or hostility. Every hurt or sting is like being bitten by a snake. You rarely die from the injury, but once bitten, it is impossible to be unbitten. The damage is done by the venom that continues to flow through your system. The venom is your bitterness and hatred that you hang onto long after you’ve been hurt. It is the venom that will ultimately destroy your peace of mind. The antidote is Forgiveness, which is not difficult as you may think. If you believe that forgiveness is a challenging and conflict ridden act that you must struggle with for a life time, I suggest quite the opposite is true. Forgiveness is joyful and easy and most of all exceedingly freeing. It relieves us of the burdens of resentment and past grievances and is just another word for simply letting go. I speak here from my own personal experience.
In heaven the art of living is in forgetting and forgiving. Here are some practical action-oriented things you can do:
Take stock of everyone who has ever wronged you in any way, regardless of how severe or recent it may have been and make the choice to let go. Forgiveness is an act of the heart. Do it for yourself to provide an antidote for the poison you have allowed to circulate inside of you.
Be aware that your parents (and everyone in your past) did the best they knew how to do given the conditions in their lives. You cannot ask any more of anyone. Perhaps you would not have done it that way so learn from it. Maturity is recognizing that deep injuries will not recover until you forgive. So make that choice and you will immediately feel freer than you’ve ever felt.
Make every effort to remove the labeling process from your life experience. Look past the skin and bone structure to the unfolding of God’s “love” in all people and address yourself from that space of no labels. And remember always that everyone, without exception, has the right to sing and joyfully dance with the songs of peace, joy hope and…forgiveness.”
Wayne W. Dyer Wisdom of the Ages page 243 244
I am me; the only Scott Randall Lindberg there ever was and will ever be! I am a special unique star exploding with loving purpose, potential and warming care for myself and all creation. I am a forgiving, loving, compassionate person. I use the light within me to light the world. Among billions, yes, yet supremely revered, rare and specially selected to be one of His own. Adorned in the heavenlies, totally accepted, respected and irreplaceable! I am unique! As the sun rays touch everything, so shall I share my unique kind of joy, hope, wisdom, love …and forgiveness…with all. I am uniquely created to be…me. Expressing my special glorious eternal living person with everyone. I am kind. I am loving. I am hopeful. I am caring. I love myself just as I am right now and forever in the future. I am happy and whole. I have everything I need to enjoy myself. I cherish every moment in time. I am a gift to me. I will treat myself as an honored guest, always. And right now I put on the precious, freeing, crown of forgiveness. Now I know I have a strong, vital, ever growing sense of…self-esteem!
Shakti Gawain in her book, Creative Visualization, tells us that words are so very, very powerful. She urges us to realize that there is eternal healing and profound change in the words that we speak. Here are some positive affirmations that I found to be very helpful on my journey to rediscovering my self esteem and real forgiveness. Put them up on your wall, in your journal or in your mirror and say them out loud, each day. Watch them wash away your fears and enliven your spirit, your very essence, your true potential and personal value and forgiveness.
Say this, out loud:
~ I am now releasing my past. I am now dissolving all negative, limiting beliefs. I now forgive and release everyone in my life. I don’t have to try to please others. I am naturally lovable and likable no matter what I do. I now let go of all accumulated guilt, fear, resentment, disappointment and grudges. I am free and clear! All of my negative self-images and attitudes are now dissolved. I love and appreciate myself! All barriers to my full expression and joy of life are now dissolved. The world is a beautiful place to be. The universe always provides. ~ Shakti Gawain Creative Visualization.
